Visiting Alexandra............

We usually go more often. This summer has been wicked hot and humid. So we have somewhat neglected things. The other day I know I saw her looking out of Tristen's eyes and so I went and got some new plants and went over to the graveyard. Tristen was excited. He jumped up and down "I am going to my 'udder mama's house" as he calls it. I am his "new mama nanny" He knows what is what even if he may not yet fully comprehend things.
Gerry and I went and got some Asters and Pansies and off we went.
This is little Alexandra

Here is Tristen

Its sort of sad seeing him sitting on his mothers grave but really, it's not a sad place for him. He enjoys going and I hope that stays that way.

These are the small Asters that I found and they go well on here


You can see the pansies in this one.

this is me and Tristen

I don't mean for this to be a morbid thing, or anything creepy. I was raised with the obligation or privilege to tend family graves with my Auntie Annie. I enjoyed the time we spent together and felt a connection with long gone relations that I never knew by doing this chore. I want Tristen to feel comfortable and not sad going to visit his mother. It serves another purpose too, so that he grows up understanding where his mother is and to encourage questions.
He plays, and ironically Alex is surrounded by children. Tristen goes to visit the ones under the apple trees that have large bunnies by them.

A very peaceful spot. It still doesn't seem possible that my lovely Alexandra lies there. She was so full of life, such a force of nature. Rest in Peace sweet girl and I hope you see your son playing here and know he is well cared for and well loved.

A peaceful place

I will keep doing posts on this so we can see Tristen grow and see things change.

Visit to Alex in March................

We went to visit today. A nice sunny and very brisk day. We took Tristen and Reina who were cooped up in the house and it was a last minute descision when the temperature went up a couple of degees. They were driving us up the wall they were so noisy. So.........off we went.

Gerry is showing the picture to Tristen, he always points it out. Tristen is saying "mama's house". He know's his mama lives there. I know he does not yet understand but at this point he accepts and is happy with this. Reina knows more, she is 6 now and Alexandra's youngest sister. Tristen is still only 2 1/2. We feel that if he grows up knowing all this it will fall into place for him as time goes on. Reina said "I wish Alex was still with us" and we said that we did too.

Then they were off and running, happy to play in a place they are comfortable being. We think that its great that childish laughter rings out among the graves of mostly children in the area that Alex is buried. Her step family are close by too. Across the way is her Grandmother Schaub. So she is not here alone. Some day I hope to join her.
Till then her son and young sister play by her and spend some happy time with her..............



How can it be? the sun still shines but she is gone.
How can it be? that the birds still sing, don't they know that she's not here?
How can everything still be the same?
The garbage man came today, didn't he know? How can he not know?
There is an empty space in the world, can you not see?
It seems so obvious to me.
Nothing is the same and it never will be again.
Yet the world continues on as before oblivious, insensitive to her loss.
JKS (an old poem I wrote that seems to fit in here)

I am Excited...............

I am excited about life. I feel good for a change. It has to be the weather. Not that I felt bad before but did not have this enthusiasm for things. I know that during the winter months it seems so endless, even though this has been probably the mildest winter since we came to Michigan. (1971) We also had one of the worst storms ever a couple of weeks ago and now its in the 80s. That's Michigan for you.
Tristen is off to his Auntie Laura's for the weekend. As I stood with my daughter Laura watching him leave holding his auntie's hand,he was wearing his new fireman yellow rain coat.His Aunt Carrie and Uncle Justin just bought it for him. I reflected on how much he is loved. I always think of his mother Alexandra. We went to the cemetery the other day to make her marker ready for Spring. Its not too bright yet but once the violets grow out and we can put some real flowers there........I want to put some snowdrops and Spring flowers in the ground this Fall.

I am excited too about my new diet. I feel so much better seeing the scale go down if only very slowly. I will see how much I have lost on Monday (when I started) but right now I have gone down about 4 1/2 pounds. That little bit makes me feel good...........such a long way to go though. This is a diet I can live with so if it works I will stick with it. I do crave the bread and potatoes but can reward myself when I have lost 20 pounds and not till then. I think it helps being able to get outside and rake. I have a feeling my garden this year will be a disaster. The little one does not get the idea (or maybe like the idea) of staying off the garden. I have a play area but of course he wants to be where we are and so he and Sylvie (a friends baby) were digging holes in my lawn. Lawn is rather pretentious its not a lawn by any stretch of the imagination. Grass, sort of.......
We are painting the kitchen this weekend. Well the husband is. I am making cushions for the front porch. So I better get back to that.