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Saturday, May 10, 2014

Alexandra........

I look at your picture Alex and still, even after 3 1/2 years I can not believe you are gone. I would not believe you were ever here if it were not for your son. Your son........we must talk about your son. Tristen is 4 going on 5 in September. Soon to begin school. You do know that they could not handle him the last time we tried school. Hmmmmmm he is soooooo full of life, so noisy, so just like you.
I look at your pictures and see the beautiful woman you were but such a tormented soul. You were so many things....Vain (yes you were a Narcissist) unsure of yourself deep down but on the surface confident. You sought attention any way you could get it, full of yourself. The psychiatrist says it was a personality disorder. You were always loud, you could enter a room and completely disrupt it. You always made an entrance. You were funny, you were smart. Not always kind. You thought you had no friends but had loads, you should have seen your "viewing". You were not happy with your life and if you were not happy then no one else was either. You were not always a good mum to Tristen when he was small. You seemed to get pleasure out of teasing him and then wonder why he preferred to snuggle with me. You were jealous. Yet Tristen was always with a sitter so you could go out. Especially until you found Bill. You were desperate for male attention. Vulgar, seductive, sensual........crude. Its hard to say something nice sometimes but we all accepted you were who you were.
We loved you. We tried so hard to make you happy. You craved attention.........but that was Alexandra.
Here are Gabrielle, Danielle and Alexandra.............
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When the psychiatrist was called in after she had threatened suicide. We didn't think it was a serious threat but was made often enough (since early teens)so we had to take some steps to assure us that it would not happen. So we, that is her Mother along with her sister Danielle and myself had her committed. We all talked to the doctor with Alexandra present. She saw then what we saw. Her behavior as we saw it. She stayed at a women's shelter for a few months. Some folks thought that we had just dumped her but that was not the case. Her dad even took her own mattress and stuff there so she was comfortable. We all checked on her without her knowledge she was in no way abandoned. We needed to see what we could do to turn her life around and that it might be good for her to see what others less fortunate went through. She was pregnant at that time. She was dating guys, sleeping with them........she was looking for a husband. She had met a couple of nice guys but had just about scared them off with her neediness. So when the time came to have Tristen she was not with anyone. When Tristen was born her mother, Father, sisters and aunt were with her in the hospital room...........
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So after Tristen was born Alex came home to us again. They lived here until she met Bill and then she was off again working on another relationship and sometimes Tristen was left with Bill's mum. She was so beautiful, how could guys not fall for her?
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Well eventually Alex and Bill got engaged. Tristen spent most of his time with us prior to this because she was working and going to college. The rest of the time she was off with friends. She would have sulked and made life miserable if she could not go out. So in some ways I and others enabled her. My thought were with Tristen because if I refused to "babysit" she would have got someone else, anyone else to watch him. So I was the one getting up and feeding him during the night and up with him in the mornings. She would sleep in and then hope he was ready for a nap so she could go back to bed. She didn't like that he would snuggle with me and go to sleep but not with her. Well......She just was not able to relax and just enjoy him.
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I realize this all sounds negative, but it is how it was. She was so happy and beaming when things were going well, but when they were not then she was at the other end of the spectrum. Deep in despair. She was never satisfied with the ordinary, she had no problem throwing gifts aside if they didn't meet her expectations and showing displeasure (Why would anyone buy me that?). She didn't realize how much she may have hurt the person who was giving the gift. These things were brought up when the psychiatrist was present. She just didn't understand what was wrong. No Empathy is what he said. Her and Bill got engaged. They were happy for a time. They broke up. They got back together but had not got the ring back on her finger when she died. At her viewing I held her hand while Bill put it back on her finger as she lay in that coffin, looking as beautiful as ever. Poor Bill, he was devastated. She wears the ring still. She would like that.
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Why did she die? At 21 years old. I cant answer that, was she happy? No. Her and Bill had contracted herpes. The night before she died we talked. I told her she was a good mum when she questioned it, I said that once she was married things would be better, easier. Well, it sounded like she was not so sure. Because they had this thing between them, she was afraid her choices had been taken away. She would not get anyone else. So was she not happy with Bill?.......we shall never know. I don't really think so not like she should have been. Her and Danielle were at loggerheads because they both wanted to get married around the same time. Danielle was already planning her wedding when Alex got engaged.
I think Alex loved David and would always love David. They were just not good for each other, they fought and he got violent. I think she brought out the worst in him and visa versa. No point in getting into that. I think her love for Bill had run its course and she felt she had no choices left. I think that Bill is better off now honestly, he is finally engaged to a new love and we all wish him well. I think he will be happy. He wont ever get over Alex and will always love her on some level but, I am sure he will be happier in the end. Sad to say.
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So what makes me say all this now? I think about her so much. Was it better for Tristen that things happened as they did? Was it better that he grows up with no Mum and no Dad? He has me his great grandmother and his great grandfather. His grandmother and her husband. His grandfather and his auntie Laura and her girls. He spends time with all of them and Reina and Raylene. He has so many people who love him and who spend time with him. Would he have had that if Alex was still here? Not so much. Mute point really what is ......just is. Even so, I would have her back if I could. I miss her still.
I have always tried to not show favorite with my granddaughters. Alex was always a joy as a small child because she was a pistol, she was cheeky and naughty and so full of herself. We loved her so much and she irritated the heck out of us haha. She could be frustrating in the extreme. As each child got to the age where they left home they came here, to live with us. First Danielle came, it gave her some freedom but she was still secure. Then Dan asked me if I would take Alex because she did not get along with anyone at home. Danielle was not happy that she was moving in because of how things had been at home, her and ALex not getting along. In the end it worked out well. They did get to spend some good times together before Danielle went away to school. Danielle had a boyfriend and she was occupied in her own life at the time.
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Alex went home once but was soon back, she just could just not get along with anyone at home. That's another whole story. Divorce and 2nd marriages are not always a good thing for the kids. Alex didn't take it well at all. If Alex was not happy then no one would be happy. Dan had married a woman with 3 kids of her own, making 6 children in the house. It just didn't work.
So it was that Alex stayed with us and did so until her death. We all miss her and we all have regrets that she could not make herself a happy life. She was working on it. Had just started a job she liked and was still doing college. Planning her wedding and so much to look forwards to. We all had hope that things would work out for her and Tristen. We loved Bill.
It was also because she was here that Tristen stayed after she was gone. He was home in bed thankfully when the accident happened. We thank God she didn't take him home, that he had come earlier with his granddad. This was his home then and will now be his home as long as he needs us.

4 comments:

Maureen Wyatt said...

This is heartbreaking. I had a nephew that just could not be saved. We all tried but it was not to be. It is a wound that never heals in a family. Perhaps you have the best means of healing in loving and caring for Tristan. It is the last and greatest thing you can do for her.

Noelle the dreamer said...

Dear Janice,
Thank you for sharing with us what has to be the most heartbreaking time of your life!
I believe there is a reason for everything and that God will always be there for you. You are a very special person, He knows it and no one merits more to be called a Mum than you at this time.
Hang in there, live, love and laugh as only you can!
Happy Mum's Day!!

Magic Love Crow said...

Janice, this is such a heartwarming and honest post! I don't know why things happen the way they do, but they always say, it all happens for a reason. It's all planned. You and your hubby were meant to be with Tristan. Many blessings and I know Alexandra is grateful and smiling! Happy Mother's Day ;o)

Cranberry Morning said...

Janice, I came here because I saw the post on Tristen (I've always loved that name!) and thought the photo of him and the umbrella was so cute! Then I scrolled down and read the heartwrenching post about Alexandra. I am so sorry. What a troubled soul she was. May God bless you and the family as you work through the grief this kind of event, after a prolonged agonizing period, brings.