Lumps Bumps and Boobs.....................

I am stiff and sore, my 2nd mammogram and an ultra sound. Apparently I have "dense" breast tissue. It makes it "difficult" to read the mammograms. I must say though,the new machines are a lot nicer and don't squish so much. Although you still have to pretty much be a contortionist.
When I was young my breast size was a nice perky 34b.........a decent enough size but small enough to enjoy pretty lacy 1/2 cups and be overflowingly cute.


I pretty much stayed that size until after I had Laura (#1) and even then I was not a lot bigger, just not as perky. Well, after having the baby and being "bound" to get rid of the milk, it's hardly surprising. They actually got better because they got bigger. I would wear bra's with a little padding till then, not actually padded but "stiff" ........that leads me to a funny story. Naughty me, well I was dating a guy who shall remain nameless, just in case. As we said goodnight, in his car, his hands sort of wandered and I was stretched across him with an arm behind his neck. As his hand moved up to grasp what he thought was my nice little round boobie, he instead encountered and empty cup................hehe, it was funny but embarrassing, I had slipped out of my bra as I stretched up. Those foam linings remained in place while my breast moved to a more comfortable position. Why am I telling this story? I have no idea. I was indeed a naughty girl.

I never wore those "formed" bras again.
Well around that time I suppose, one night in bed I was laying on my side with my hand under me and I felt a lump. It was like a pea. I went to Mum and asked her if she could feel it and yes there was a lump. So I saw the doctor and was sent straight to the hospital. They did a biopsy. Nothing like they do today it was an under an anesthetic deal. So I signed a form to say that if it was found to be cancer a full mastectomy would be done. So until I awoke I had no idea what to expect. The ladies in the hospital at the same time tried to be reassuring saying that its unusual for someone my age to have cancer. Especially as I had not had children yet. Well I had, I was in fact a single mother. So that did not do much to reassure me but I was not unduly worried. I did ask the surgeon to please do the cut at the side rather than where he first put his X on the top. I figured if I was waking up with my breast intact then the scar would be best not showing if possible and he obliged. It was a big scar none the less. It was daunting seeing youngish women walking around holding two bottles where once they had breasts, as the wounds drained. I have no idea how that process is handled these days and don't really want to find out.

As I had two more children after I married I would have my regular mammograms. Several times I was called back. I had lumpy breasts. One time I had 3 in a row and in order to see the one in the middle they seemed to have me practically standing on my head, at least it felt that way. Going back a 2nd time is nerve wracking to say the least. So I would dread getting it done at all. I know, it is something that saves lives and finds things that would be missed by self exams. However, it is not pleasant. On one occassion I was also sent for a Ultra sound. All was well that time I got the all clear.

So this time I felt different. I had to go back for a 2nd mammogram plus ultra sound. My usual indifference was not there. I have been having pain. Also body cramps and can not find a good reason for it. So when I got the call back my mind and body did not agree with each other. It didn't help to get asked if I had done my "end of life directive" no I still have not done that. Gotta get that done.

I have this philosophy, whatever happens happens. I am good either way. When my time is up it's up and I am not afraid to die. I have great Faith in the Lord and know that whatever happens to me God is in control.
So what happened? My mind was at peace with what ever I had to go through. If I did have cancer what is the worst case? I would have some time left (and would really have to rush a few things) but probably not as much as I had hoped for. Fine, I can deal with that. My body though said "like heck, we wants to live, we does not want pain, we does not want chemo etc" .......my mind would say "don't be such a sissy you can be a good example to others" ........my body decided to have a fit of trembling and feel woozy and sorry for itself....... I knew I had nothing to be afraid of but it would not listen to me. It had a mind of it's own. So.............It made me think about things..

What are we? I look at my body as a vehicle that I am in charge of, I drive it, I control it. When I die I leave it and go on to some place else.......... My body says "easy for you to say what about me? Youre not the one getting sliced and diced and poked and prodded."........ My mind says "well I do the best I can for you, but I can only do so much and then I am outta here".
So what DOES happen? What if there IS nothing else? I can not even concieve of nothing. I can not imagine going to sleep and never ever waking up, not dreaming or anything but nothingness and not even knowing I am dead. It seems pointless. If there is not some purpose to us, to life, what then is the point? What are we? In the end what ever influence even the best of us has on the world, means nothing. Even those who come after will at some point die, so why bother to evolve into better humans if we do not have something more than the brief time we spend here. It would seem that if that were the case we may as well be as selfish as we can, live for fun and fame and anything we can get out of life. Maybe that's why some people are the way they are?

I don't, can't believe that. I believe God has a purpose for each of us who believe in Him and accept His gift of Eternal life through His son Jesus christ. Without getting into who is right and who is wrong and all that. For me that is the base line of my Faith. I believe in God period. So, I try to live my life as best I can, so as not to dissappoint Him too much. I hope in Him and in a continuation of life somewhere else.
So when I got my call back and wondered if this time would be the time that I would have to prove myself, accept what was to come with grace and dignity, I really hoped I could do that. I prayed that I would not have to go through it, but if it was something I had to do, then all I wanted was for Him to hold my hand. My body was not helping me at all. I won't say I was scared, I wasn't, I was ready, but my body was not. My body let me down again. Maybe it is an age thing? I know I felt the same when we had to go to court for custody of Tristen. My body would not do what my mind was telling it. Like it has a mind of its own and went off on its own accord. How do I get this back under control. I do not like this..............I DO like to be in control of my emotions. I hate to cry. I won't cry. My eyes leak of their own accord though, bloody cowards. I hate to loose control it is not who I am. It is something I do not like to do and actually seldom have the need.


Well wait till I see Dr Weber again..............no more grammies of these mammies. They are retired.