I stopped by last week really quickly as Gabby was with me and doesn't like graveyards or going to see you. She would not come today. I have always loved them as I have said before and given my reasons. Today though I wonder. Who will visit you when I am gone? Heck, who will ever visit me? Everyone is so far away now. Danielle is in Washington State. Jason down near Detroit and Justin up North. Laura is now down state and when I am gone I doubt she will come up here that much. Everyone always has a reason and I suppose all valid reasons. After all we would be dead. So maybe it's just me that has this need and feeling of closeness when I go to visit the dearly departed haha?
I always said I want to be cremated and sent back home to England because I feel no connection here. Then when Alex died I felt maybe I could stay here. Again I am not sure. If I am to be alone then maybe I want to be with my family. Back home. Where I belong. ENGLAND. I was always going to ask to be sent to Mark in the hopes he would take me to where my parents and Grand parents all lie. I think that would be nice. Any English soil will do really. I may just decide upon that after all. More likely to get visitors too haha. Some far off in the future relative doing genealogy may find me and wonder what the heck happened to this one.
I am hoping the deer come to eat the apples near Alex grave, that would be nice, she would like that. YES I know, she can't see them but if she knew, she would have liked it.
The schaub's are all in the same cemetery as Alex but they are not my family. I was just thinking the other day how much I missed out by coming here. I was thinking when Gerry and I went home when Dad died. Oh my, the laughs we had with Ray, Eddie and Ivy. All of them gone now too. There could have been such good times that we have never had here with family. We laughed that night till we cried. Dad's funeral too at Mum's house. My wonderful cousin Robin who catered it all. The great neighbours who stole my laundry and brought it all back folded and ironed. Same when Mum died. That does not happen here, not for me. The closeness of the community on Bidwell Hill has never been here. Part of that is my fault. I am not outgoing. Those people I knew all my life and I am different with them. A different person, myself. I realized that when I was staying with Mark and Marie how different I felt. I can't explain it. I want to go home so badly, I always have. I told myself that I love it here and I do at some level. I love my home, I love Northern Michigan. There are beautiful states to see. But..............it is not home and never will be.
As I get older and older I spend more time reflecting on old friends and family. Many who are now gone. My friend Margaret just lost her husband, how I wish I could be there. Sheila's husband is unwell. Old friends are the best friends, we have a lifetime of shared memories from when we were young. No one here knows me, not who I really am, including my kids.
If I had the money and means I would go home in a heartbeat. Our life would have been so different. Ah well, no regrets. Regrets are a waste of time and who knows what the future will bring if anything.
So Alex thanks a lot. Now I am in a melancholy mood...........If I can get back before the snow flies I will bring a pretty wreath. See ya later gator.
2 comments:
Sending you Big Hugs Janice!! I understand how you are feeling! My mom and I are the only ones that go to my grandpa's grave. I always leave apples there! I started to smile, when you were talking about the apple tree! I think your ashes should be sent back home! Sending a prayer to Alex!
I cried before I finished reading your post. Where does an expat get laid to rest, a question I have found myself pondering over for years. As with you, I never left my homeland because of oppression, but love, my heart is English, I am proud of my heritage and will carry that love to the grave and beyond.
The loss if your granddaughter is so tragic, I hope she is at peace.
Hugs,
Jo
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