One Year on............

It has been a difficult year in many ways. I realize now that although I have lost many members of my family, at my age that is to be expected. Loosing a 21 year old granddaughter is not. When mum and dad died it was probably made easier because of the distance. With them living in England and me here in Michigan I did not see them often. We had great visits and they enjoyed their holidays here, it is not the same as when someone is living in the same house, or that you see all the time. I think maybe the only other death that effected me as much was my grandmother when I was quite young. Alex lived here and was a force of nature, she would always make an entrance. If she was in the house, then it revolved around her. She was never to be ignored. She was noisy and disruptive, always on the go never still for long. So the silence that followed her death was deafening. We did of course have Tristen here and I suppose in a lot of ways he made it easier to go on without too much bother, after all a baby has its demands as well. He was about 14 months at the time his mother died. As the year progressed it was a great comfort to go to the grave and decorate. Laura (her mum) and me go often and decorate for whatever is appropriate. Right now she is all decked out in Valentines hearts and stuff and we will be going for Easter next. I will also take some Spring flowers to plant. Her loss is something different to anything I have experienced before, in some ways it has changed me. I now look at Michigan more as a permanent place for me. I had wanted to be sent home (cremated) when I died, now I want to be with Alex. I suppose in that respect I now have "roots" here. Tristen is both a trial and a comfort. He is a happy 2 year old now with loads of personality just like her, he is obnoxious and funny, cute and sassy, smart and mischievous. So much like Alexandra was as a baby. She was such a cute little kid and always in trouble. It sought her out I think. Alex and I had things in common, she loved my old horse and would go with me to the barn. She also liked to draw and I have kept her things for Tristen.
So a year has past, I no longer think its her when someone comes in. I will always miss her and we will always remember her so beautiful and young and full of life. She had her troubles too she was not always happy but she was on track in many ways when she died. She was planning her marriage and its sad that she will not be that bride because she would have been so beautiful. We still see her fiance and he still sees her son now and then but it gets less and less as he moves on with his life, as he must. That too is sad but I am glad for him. Everything is bittersweet. Soon Tristen will begin to ask questions and we are not sure how we will respond yet, it will always be the truth but as he is able to process the truth. We take him to visit her and he loves to play in the cemetery so its not an unhappy place for him.
So we move on, closing the door to that year of our lives, we will always mourn and always remember but maybe as time goes on with more joy than regret because we know that Alexandra is with her Lord and we will see her again someday.